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Step Back and (don’t) Relax

Two years ago, I sat on my fave chair looking by the window to my lawn. There used to be so much grass, Japanese one. I took my son walking on it every morning when he was small so he can feel the tickling on his foot. Now it’s gone, replaced by hexagonal paving block. The green turns grey. Not that I planned it, it just happened. After months of dealing with cat’s “leftover” I just can’t take it anymore. Apparently I’m not the only one fancy the foamy grass and soil of my lawn. Months before the paving happened, my lawn was ruin anyway. So I just go with the circumstances. Sad, but I accept.

As I look past the block, I realise that my life wasn’t any different. Everything was moving too fast, I just follow the circumstances until life takes me to that chair two years ago. I was working three jobs, not because I was looking for it or planned it but the circumstances and chances brought me to it. I also work on few projects. All just happened because life gave me the opportunity and I took it. Suddenly it’s becoming my life. My everyday, my 24/7. Not that I’m not happy about it. I went places and did many things I am thankful to have experienced, meeting many friends I am very grateful to have met. But something doesn’t feel quite right. I never stop to wonder if that is what I want. To move in such pace, to those directions. What am I looking for?

Many years before, I was afraid of change. If I was lost in the woods, I thought keep staying in secluded cabin with occasional bear attack is much better than to look for a way home with uncertain possibilities. 80% known danger is better than 50% chance of safety. Because I just cannot be in the dark.

Then I got sick, the kind where doctor said there is nothing I can do except trying to keep it below the danger size. This kind of sickness always find its way sneaking into your mind. At least it got me thinking about life I have left. My lifespan and how I should walk it through. I’m starting to realise there will be no more “maybe” on my tomorrow. Life is happening now, if I want something to happen I must change my course now. Looking back to the paving block on my lawn… I felt I should not let myself lost its green to such massive grey with mold around it. I need to make change before circumstances drive me to drop paving blocks onto my own life.

So after that chair two years ago, I took some time to re-evaluate everything. I took a step back, assessing my priorities and start doing things that I really want to do instead of just going with the flow. I knew I need to start thinking about myself more. I used to work very late and push myself harder. Now I try to step back a bit and relax. If the pen is misplaced or the laundry isn’t done, I learn to just let it go. I set my priorities on my family. Then everything goes from there. Like spiral spread from smaller circle to bigger one, my family is the smallest circle then every other stuff follows behind in mono-line. This way, I found everything fall accordingly.

Papadino also share his own part of change. He encourage me to stop working so I can focus more on our family and myself. If he used to focus on building his network, now he focus on building our family more. He work harder so I can let some of the jobs go. After 12 years of marriage, we finally work together as a family.

I partly shut myself from the outside world to try to rebuild myself. I don’t hang-out as much, heck I don’t even hang-out anymore. But somehow it feels good. After a while, I find the strength to go out and do things I always want or like doing. I do yoga, swim once a week, have extra-deep conversation with my son, watch my fave show every now and then, sew a little and read more.

Every bit of them put a piece of me back to where it was. Before too long, I found myself living in slower but more fulfilling life. Recently, chances also bring my old fave writing club back in a new place. Just as I thought things couldn’t get any better. So I learn now that when you take a moment to stop and appreciate life, you found that life is actually very nice.

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